I know, I know, it's been too long.... lol

So here I sit watching the morning news and checking my mail and well I decided to go over and check on my blog and notice that I haven't posted in a while so here I go.
I'm seriously planning on including more of my passion for playing with paper and well this is the busiest season for doing just that.
This year I concentrated on making stocking stuffers to hide candy in since finances are tight. I can use paper I have on hand and get big bags of candy from either the dollar tree or wally mart... lol so guess what kiddies... cavity time this year... lol
Of all my projects this year I have to admit the following has to be my favorite. It combines a pretty box from this link, http://tinyurl.com/6jc262 and hershey kiss mice a good internet friend of mine, Elizabeth, came up with. I think the presentation is simply well, wow... I started out just making a few for family but when I showed them to my mom she was so impressed that she took one to a couple of meetings she had that week and a couple of the people ordered some. 25 at first, 20 for a guy and 5 for a lady. The guy loved the first 20 so much he decided to order 20 more. To say I'm a bit tired of making these adorable things is quite the understatement...lol
Let me know what you think...


Any and all comments are welcome...

Happy Post Finally

Well everyone I just wanted to let you know that I'm doing much better these days. I still miss Christian so much but it is true that life goes on. I still have my days, but that is to be expected I guess.
My creativity is back. I've been busy designing cards and am loving it. I'll put a pic of one I did just this morning but the other two I recently worked on will have to wait to be posted. One is the card I'm using for this years Christmas cards and the other is a card front for a swap I am in.
Yes you read right, a swap. I haven't been involved in one for a very very long time and since it's a small one and not too expensive to ship I joined and am having a ball making them.
I'm going to start posting my creations in my blog as I want to change up the feeling of it. I still may post bits of my feelings, life and such but now will also add touches of my creativity as this is something I'm passionate about.
Thanks for dropping by... I hope you enjoy my work and maybe, just maybe, be a bit inspired to give it a go.
Donna

Saying Goodbye

Well I just got back from a three week visit in Illinois with my daughter, her boyfriend and his two girls. It was a good visit all around. In my opinion anyway.
This year I was dreading the visit because of one who would not be there. One who would greet me with smiles and giggles. A little boy that would delight in visiting with his gramma.
Christian passed away 6 months ago on the 7th of January. His 8th birthday was on the 5th of July and of course the 4th of July was his favorite holiday because he thought all the fireworks and stuff was just for him. We are all guilty of helping him believe that.
So yes, this year was a hard one. His ashes are kept in a beautiful wooden box with his picture etched on the cover. I found a sense of "closure" while there. Not that I would ever forget this amazing little soul, but a sort of peace settled over me. It was like he came and showed me that it was important for us to move on with our lives and not be sad all of the time. That some day we would be together once again.
I'm not sure if I really believe that but it is comforting to think that it just must be so. That our lives don't just end when our bodies give out. That our souls do in fact live on and we are all reunited again in another place.
This vacation gave me the opportunity to say goodbye once again to my little angel. I still cry for him, though not all of the time. I still miss him calling me on the phone and leaving me cute messages. I still miss the touch of him, the smell of him and the site of him. I will always miss these things and the touch of him but I will try to keep faith that I will see him again when this body of mine is used up.
Until then, I will grieve for the loss of him and revel in all of the memories of this amazing little boy.

Mixed feelings

Well, here i sit, at the library in jerseyville, il where i am supposed to be checking my mail. floated around to check on my "my space" and then here to see what i might have missed... approved a couple comments and decided to write a little something.
this summer trip is a bit different to say the least. it was the first time arriving to visit with Sandra that Christian wasn't also here. It was the first fourth of July that Christian wasn't at with us in 7 years and it was the first birthday he wasn't here for his party.
we tried to stay strong and celebrate the boy we miss so terribly. it's not always easy but somehow sandra manages to hide the sadness better than i do. she is just such a strong person outwardly even though i know inside she is dying.
she said something to me the other day that i found interesting. she said, "we never get over a loss like this, time does not heal all. the only thing time does is enable us to learn new routines. ones that do not include the ones we lost." it's sad for me to see my daughter so hurt and my not being able to help her. i'm her mother and i'm supposed to be able to make things all better... but not this time... i can't... i can't even make it better for myself. there is and always will be a hole in my heart now but i will go on. i will just have to wait until we are all together again.
now for the good news... we have new family in our lives... jeremy and his two young girls, heather and ashley are now with sandra and so with us. what a great addition to our family. new habits... see sandra, you were right... and i love you...
~MoM~

Feeling Guilty

Okay so I was getting ready to shut down my computer and stopped to look at the picture on my desktop. It's of me and Christian. As I sit and stare at the picture I'm all of a sudden sad again. Not just from loosing him but also because I feel guilty for not crying as much as I did when he first passed away.
Don't get me wrong, I still cry, just not all of the time anymore. Now it's more like once in a while, like now. Why do I feel guilty? Could it be because I think if I don't cry all of the time I am forgetting about him? I could never forget about Christian. I just feel guilty that I am not as sad as I was. But I am sad, just as sad, but I think I'm accepting that he's gone. Then the next thing is I'm feeling guilty again.
My question is, how can i stop feeling guilty for moving on with my life, a life without my grandson in it anymore? It's a vicious cycle. Sad, cry, stop crying, and then feel guilty for not crying enough, for not thinking about him all day every day. How do I survive this? Who can help me survive this? I can't get help for this if I don't understand it. I've lost loved ones before, why is this one different. I don't like missing him, I don't like feeling guilty when I start to feel alive again and actually accept that he's gone from us on this Earth.
I know I have to accept the fact that I will never hold him in my arms again and that should make me sad all of the time so why don't I cry about it all the time about it? See what i mean?
So there you have my dilemma. I don't want to feel guilty for not crying all the time anymore. I'm really sad about Christian dying, but I still have a husband that loves me unconditionally. I still have grown kids that love me. My parents are still with me and I look at that as a huge blessing. Heck I even have a three year old grandson. I am blessed with all of this so now what?

this will be short

i think. but then again once i start typing sometimes it just flows.

well today is three months since we lost our little guy and it still hurts like hell. not only for me but for us all.

difference is that most days we are able to go on with things pretty much like "normal". it’s the nights, the quiet, the alone times that i think about him and how much i will miss him in my life. it i’m "distracted" then it seems easier.

it’s not really easier, it’s just that that hole in my heart hurts more when i’m not busy. when he came into our lives we were forever changed and now that he’s gone from us we are once again forever changed.

i understand that life is all about the changes that we go thru but to be honest i really think this one SUCKS. i will never understand the large scheme of things and i will never accept the fact that he’s gone and we will move on.

i for one don’t want to "move on" without him, but i’m forced to so i will do what i am supposed to do for those around me to think i’m fine. just please at least give me my nights to feel what i really feel. to cry if i want to. to scream still if i want to. you can at least give me that, can’t you?

Organizing

I guess I've been hit by the spring cleaning bug. At least in my craft room. I rearranged it a few months ago and removed the big ole bulky desk that was just sitting in it collecting piles of "stuff". With that out I found I had tons of space to play with.
My problem is getting it set up just the way I want to make it a more productive space. I love having my favorite toys right up and close to me but, I have tons of little things in clear small containers that I would love to have all around me so that their pretty colors inspire me not to mention hopefully get me thinking on how i can use them in my paper crafting.
I would love to hear how you all have your space set up and pictures for me to look at so I might be even more inspired. Just pop a link in your comment if you want and I can come take a peek.
I'm planning on some narrow shelving around my work table to put little clear containers on as well as a huge jar I have that I'm going to fill with clothes pins wrapped in pretty ribbons. I'm hoping it will resemble a huge candy jar. You can be sure that i will now be looking at yard sales and flea markets for "pretty" clear containers for all my treasures.
Now if I could only get past liking them so much that I don't want to use them and give them away. LOL

Old friends / New friends

Once again I can say that my life has been changed by the internet and in a good way. I got an e-mail from a friend I had lost touch with saying she was so sorry to hear about my loss of Christian. Of course her words touched my heart.
What I didn't expect was that I was invited to join her yahoo group again and reconnect with some friends I really missed. On top of that other friends that left that group were also invited back in. Now not only are we together but we are given the opportunity to make even more friends.
These people are so creative and so open to creativity that it's wonderful sharing ideas and tips and techniques. I'm so glad this friend kept trying. That she didn't give up on me. I love you girl.
You all need to take stock in friends that are brought into your life, no matter how they are brought in it. They are like petals to the flower of your life and even though that flower can live without all the petals they make your flower that much prettier.

Christian Kisses

Ever notice that when you are feeling your worst, sad I mean. That place you go where you feel like you will loose your mind and never be able to climb out of? Well for the past couple months I’ve found myself in that very place. In a deep dark hole, crying so hard I can’t stop, actually sobbing like a baby, all because I am selfish and miss my grandson, Christian.
Selfish because I’m not the only one that lost him and feel that loss to the very depths of my soul. The number of others that feel this sudden loss is unbelievable. The amount of people who’s lives this little guy were touched by his smile, the look from his eyes, the sound of his laugh or even through just the stories those of us that were privileged enough to actually know him would share. He has changed lives and continues to do so. You ask, okay so what are Christian Kisses? I’ll tell you, I’ll give you just a few examples because I feel they are special, the ones given to me are for me. You all need to open your hearts up to feel your own from him.
One of the very first ones I remember where at his memorial service, while I was reading a special note telling my feelings about him, relaying some of my memories about him. Right in the middle, a really touching part, I started to cry, lost control and was having a difficult time getting back to the task at hand. Not only could I not speak but I couldn’t even see the paper I was referring to so as not to repeat myself. Suddenly, there was this awful sound, the sound of back feed from the microphone. It squealed loudly and broke the moment for just a bit. First thing I did was to look over my shoulder at the my beloved grandson and I said to him, "okay, okay, I’ll get on with it, stop yelling at me." Just like he was there actually yelling at me... well scolding me, he never really yelled at anyone. Then I was able to continue my loving message to all about him without another problem. Everyone in the room, at the exact moment I turned and spoke to Christian, stopped crying also, they all just sat there and seemed to be waiting for a reply from him. They all felt exactly what I had felt. A small tiny kiss on my cheek from the little boy I would surely see again some day.
The only other one I will share, at risk of not getting any more kisses is this one. On the ride home with Ray, it got really cloudy and rainy. We were heading into the mountains in Tennessee I think, or was it Kansas? I’m awful with geography. Doesn’t matter, we were heading into the mountains on our way home from his service and I am really scared of that part of the trip. I’ve only done it twice before but the very first time I spent it laying down in the back seat of dad’s van pretending to be asleep because the road was winding and steep and scary to me. The second time I at least sat up for most of it but was no less scared. So here I was tensing up for yet one more trip through the scary mountains.
All of a sudden the clouds parted, yep parted. The sun shown through them onto the road and right in front of us was driving a Sysco Foods truck. Sysco Foods is the company Ray drives for in Florida. We see their trucks all the time so why would this one be that important?
Right away I reached for my camera to take a shot of it. I managed to snap the picture at the perfect time, right as we were passing a highway sign saying where we were. It was a shot you would think only a professional photographer could have taken, not me. As soon as I took the shot it started getting cloudy again and drizzle started hitting the windshield.
I switched over the camera to look at the shot I had just gotten and of course while in that mode I scanned through the other pictures. One of them was of the very last glass ornament I would make with Christian’s Christmas picture in it. Well the second to last as I hadn’t gotten this past Christmas picture yet. Sandra was late getting them out. Anyway there I was looking into his eyes once again and I felt this peace settle over me. I wasn’t worried about the road, the mountains or anything. I wasn’t afraid. I think because I knew that it was out of our hands and that if it were my time to go then he (Christian) would be right there waiting for me as he will be for all of us that loved him.
So there you have it, two samples of what I like to call Christian Kisses. They happen mostly when I am sad thinking about loosing him. At the worst times of being selfish because "I" lost him and won’t be able to hug him, hear him, smell him. I’m not the only one that lost him and it’s not fair that I feel like I am, but that’s when he kisses me and reminds me that he is still with me. All the other times I like to think he is kissing someone else that needs his kiss. Someone like his momma.
I haven’t told her about these. I don’t know if it is the "right time" to tell her. I only hope that she feels them and recognizes them to help her through this awful time in her life.
Christian was only here for us to borrow just like everyone else. We can’t "keep" anyone. We can only open our hearts up to love with all of our passion and abilities and then deal with the sadness when that one we love so deeply is gone from us for a time, whether on this earth or not. I need to believe all those that we love are with us as angels watching over us and we will see them again when our time to leave this earth is here.

Our little angel got his wings

on january 7, 2008 my grandson christian got his wings.
his life started as a struggle and ended in peace. he was born on july 5, 2000 weighing in at only 1 pound 8 ounces. the doctors and nurses made sure to explain to his mother, sandra and i that it would be a miracle if he survived the night. when he did they told us it would be day to day.
seven and a half years later that dreaded day came. fortunately for us we didn't dwell on the possibility of the end we concentrated and reveled in the life of this brave little boy.
christian touched more lives than we will ever know. like the commercial that states, "and she'll tell to friends, and so on..." is how it will continue to happen.
getting to personally know this remarkable child was a privilege and i was one of those people that this privilege was bestowed upon. i was the one he called "gramma"... i was one of the ones that got to sit and hold him, to touch him, to breathe him in. i was one of the ones that he looked into my eyes right down to the depths of my soul. i was one of those that he taught how to live, without anger, spite, and self pity. i was one of the ones he taught to live and love whole hardily and i will never be able to thank him enough.
i had always struggled with my faith. i knew or at least hoped that there was something... no need to put a name to it... but something... since christian's passing i've been shown many many things that prove the existence of something else... someplace else... a place where my little grandboy is waiting...
waiting with open arms and when i get up there the first thing i will see is him, arms outstretched, running to me and then jumping up in my arms, wrapping those arms around my neck and kissing me and then saying, "gramma where have you been, i missed you..." which are all the things i could see he wanted to do by looking in his beautiful brown eyes that he couldn't do in the body he was given, but now he can...
i am at peace knowing i will see him again...
I Love You Munchkin' I will miss you but will continue to feel your presence in my life.
Gramma