Okay so I was getting ready to shut down my computer and stopped to look at the picture on my desktop. It's of me and Christian. As I sit and stare at the picture I'm all of a sudden sad again. Not just from loosing him but also because I feel guilty for not crying as much as I did when he first passed away.
Don't get me wrong, I still cry, just not all of the time anymore. Now it's more like once in a while, like now. Why do I feel guilty? Could it be because I think if I don't cry all of the time I am forgetting about him? I could never forget about Christian. I just feel guilty that I am not as sad as I was. But I am sad, just as sad, but I think I'm accepting that he's gone. Then the next thing is I'm feeling guilty again.
My question is, how can i stop feeling guilty for moving on with my life, a life without my grandson in it anymore? It's a vicious cycle. Sad, cry, stop crying, and then feel guilty for not crying enough, for not thinking about him all day every day. How do I survive this? Who can help me survive this? I can't get help for this if I don't understand it. I've lost loved ones before, why is this one different. I don't like missing him, I don't like feeling guilty when I start to feel alive again and actually accept that he's gone from us on this Earth.
I know I have to accept the fact that I will never hold him in my arms again and that should make me sad all of the time so why don't I cry about it all the time about it? See what i mean?
So there you have my dilemma. I don't want to feel guilty for not crying all the time anymore. I'm really sad about Christian dying, but I still have a husband that loves me unconditionally. I still have grown kids that love me. My parents are still with me and I look at that as a huge blessing. Heck I even have a three year old grandson. I am blessed with all of this so now what?
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6 comments:
Donna,
Just be thankful for wht you do have here on earth and know that no matter what Christian is still here in spirit and in everyone's heart. I know it is hard, heck when my Aunt died it took me a year to let it hit me, that she was no longer here and when it did, it hit me like a ton of bricks, i cried for her for 2 days.
Though I wish she were still here to fix certain things I know she can not be here, but I do know that she is always with me.
Love,
Susan
i just saw your blog as your signature on SBC and decided to click it. Sometimes when I'm surfing I take the opportunity to 'get to know' my cyber friends. You have touched me, brought me to tears and made my heart sing all within minutes. What a blessing you were to Christian; just being his gramma. I can feel the love you have for him jumping of of my screen. Don't beat yourself up for trying to move on, it's something we all must do; for those who are still here. Should you curl up in a ball and cry everyday and not move on? I've been were you are, beating yourself up, but we must move on for the ones who still depend on us and love us. Like your hubby and 3yr old gs. I am happy I clicked on your page to get to know a little bit about you. I pray that any 'guilt' subsides and totally leaves your mind. You sound like one heck of a gal. Hope to see you out in the classes and or crops soon. God bless you1. Laurie from sbc aka firefly65.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I am getting better day by day. One thing I hope to bring out of this is the ability to help others that are going to be thrust into the situation I am in. It will be just one more way that my munchkin' keeps spreading the Love... thru me.
Hey Donna! Thanks for visiting I Inspire Me - I know there's a way to add a subscriber "feed" so I will look into that this weekend! For now you could add us to your browser favorites/bookmarks. :) Keep checking back!
Donna,
I also followed your signature line link, but from CS- and wanted to let you know that my heart is full for you. I would guess that sometimes when the loved ones we must part with in this life are so young, it is that much harder to come to terms with it and move on. I haven't had to deal with the same situation as you have had to, but seeing how much you loved Christian and knowing how much he must have loved you, I know that that love didn't come to an end, and never will! He is waiting for you to come and join him, and he wants to you be happy now and live your life to the fullest so you can tell him all about it when you are together again! What a great reunion that will be!
Just wanted to share my thoughts with you, and hope that they might bring a little more peace.
Hugs, Jennifer (jeeperjoebundy)
thank you all for our kind words... it's been 5 yeas and Christian has helped me move on... i'm actually happy again. i am back in my craft room making cards and stuff,still not scrapping... that was started when Christian was born as a way to document this amazing little life that became a huge life in mine. it will happen some day but for now, cards, some projects with pictures and a lot of sewing... yep sewing... i find i can lose myself in the sound of the machine... it's so relaxing and since i have a hoard of material i bought from a closing joanns i might as well put it to use and make some gifts. what the heck it's all free now... it's just stuff i collected so using it up i'm not spending more money... yeah me...
again to all thank you for your kind words, i take them to heart and yes i needed a tissue for some of them but it's all good...
Christian knows gramma will be with him some day but not today... i have too much left to do in this life on earth... but you can bet his will be the first face i look for...
donna
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