this will be short

i think. but then again once i start typing sometimes it just flows.

well today is three months since we lost our little guy and it still hurts like hell. not only for me but for us all.

difference is that most days we are able to go on with things pretty much like "normal". it’s the nights, the quiet, the alone times that i think about him and how much i will miss him in my life. it i’m "distracted" then it seems easier.

it’s not really easier, it’s just that that hole in my heart hurts more when i’m not busy. when he came into our lives we were forever changed and now that he’s gone from us we are once again forever changed.

i understand that life is all about the changes that we go thru but to be honest i really think this one SUCKS. i will never understand the large scheme of things and i will never accept the fact that he’s gone and we will move on.

i for one don’t want to "move on" without him, but i’m forced to so i will do what i am supposed to do for those around me to think i’m fine. just please at least give me my nights to feel what i really feel. to cry if i want to. to scream still if i want to. you can at least give me that, can’t you?