Saying Goodbye

Well I just got back from a three week visit in Illinois with my daughter, her boyfriend and his two girls. It was a good visit all around. In my opinion anyway.
This year I was dreading the visit because of one who would not be there. One who would greet me with smiles and giggles. A little boy that would delight in visiting with his gramma.
Christian passed away 6 months ago on the 7th of January. His 8th birthday was on the 5th of July and of course the 4th of July was his favorite holiday because he thought all the fireworks and stuff was just for him. We are all guilty of helping him believe that.
So yes, this year was a hard one. His ashes are kept in a beautiful wooden box with his picture etched on the cover. I found a sense of "closure" while there. Not that I would ever forget this amazing little soul, but a sort of peace settled over me. It was like he came and showed me that it was important for us to move on with our lives and not be sad all of the time. That some day we would be together once again.
I'm not sure if I really believe that but it is comforting to think that it just must be so. That our lives don't just end when our bodies give out. That our souls do in fact live on and we are all reunited again in another place.
This vacation gave me the opportunity to say goodbye once again to my little angel. I still cry for him, though not all of the time. I still miss him calling me on the phone and leaving me cute messages. I still miss the touch of him, the smell of him and the site of him. I will always miss these things and the touch of him but I will try to keep faith that I will see him again when this body of mine is used up.
Until then, I will grieve for the loss of him and revel in all of the memories of this amazing little boy.

Mixed feelings

Well, here i sit, at the library in jerseyville, il where i am supposed to be checking my mail. floated around to check on my "my space" and then here to see what i might have missed... approved a couple comments and decided to write a little something.
this summer trip is a bit different to say the least. it was the first time arriving to visit with Sandra that Christian wasn't also here. It was the first fourth of July that Christian wasn't at with us in 7 years and it was the first birthday he wasn't here for his party.
we tried to stay strong and celebrate the boy we miss so terribly. it's not always easy but somehow sandra manages to hide the sadness better than i do. she is just such a strong person outwardly even though i know inside she is dying.
she said something to me the other day that i found interesting. she said, "we never get over a loss like this, time does not heal all. the only thing time does is enable us to learn new routines. ones that do not include the ones we lost." it's sad for me to see my daughter so hurt and my not being able to help her. i'm her mother and i'm supposed to be able to make things all better... but not this time... i can't... i can't even make it better for myself. there is and always will be a hole in my heart now but i will go on. i will just have to wait until we are all together again.
now for the good news... we have new family in our lives... jeremy and his two young girls, heather and ashley are now with sandra and so with us. what a great addition to our family. new habits... see sandra, you were right... and i love you...
~MoM~