Feeling Guilty

Okay so I was getting ready to shut down my computer and stopped to look at the picture on my desktop. It's of me and Christian. As I sit and stare at the picture I'm all of a sudden sad again. Not just from loosing him but also because I feel guilty for not crying as much as I did when he first passed away.
Don't get me wrong, I still cry, just not all of the time anymore. Now it's more like once in a while, like now. Why do I feel guilty? Could it be because I think if I don't cry all of the time I am forgetting about him? I could never forget about Christian. I just feel guilty that I am not as sad as I was. But I am sad, just as sad, but I think I'm accepting that he's gone. Then the next thing is I'm feeling guilty again.
My question is, how can i stop feeling guilty for moving on with my life, a life without my grandson in it anymore? It's a vicious cycle. Sad, cry, stop crying, and then feel guilty for not crying enough, for not thinking about him all day every day. How do I survive this? Who can help me survive this? I can't get help for this if I don't understand it. I've lost loved ones before, why is this one different. I don't like missing him, I don't like feeling guilty when I start to feel alive again and actually accept that he's gone from us on this Earth.
I know I have to accept the fact that I will never hold him in my arms again and that should make me sad all of the time so why don't I cry about it all the time about it? See what i mean?
So there you have my dilemma. I don't want to feel guilty for not crying all the time anymore. I'm really sad about Christian dying, but I still have a husband that loves me unconditionally. I still have grown kids that love me. My parents are still with me and I look at that as a huge blessing. Heck I even have a three year old grandson. I am blessed with all of this so now what?

this will be short

i think. but then again once i start typing sometimes it just flows.

well today is three months since we lost our little guy and it still hurts like hell. not only for me but for us all.

difference is that most days we are able to go on with things pretty much like "normal". it’s the nights, the quiet, the alone times that i think about him and how much i will miss him in my life. it i’m "distracted" then it seems easier.

it’s not really easier, it’s just that that hole in my heart hurts more when i’m not busy. when he came into our lives we were forever changed and now that he’s gone from us we are once again forever changed.

i understand that life is all about the changes that we go thru but to be honest i really think this one SUCKS. i will never understand the large scheme of things and i will never accept the fact that he’s gone and we will move on.

i for one don’t want to "move on" without him, but i’m forced to so i will do what i am supposed to do for those around me to think i’m fine. just please at least give me my nights to feel what i really feel. to cry if i want to. to scream still if i want to. you can at least give me that, can’t you?