Well, here i sit, at the library in jerseyville, il where i am supposed to be checking my mail. floated around to check on my "my space" and then here to see what i might have missed... approved a couple comments and decided to write a little something.
this summer trip is a bit different to say the least. it was the first time arriving to visit with Sandra that Christian wasn't also here. It was the first fourth of July that Christian wasn't at with us in 7 years and it was the first birthday he wasn't here for his party.
we tried to stay strong and celebrate the boy we miss so terribly. it's not always easy but somehow sandra manages to hide the sadness better than i do. she is just such a strong person outwardly even though i know inside she is dying.
she said something to me the other day that i found interesting. she said, "we never get over a loss like this, time does not heal all. the only thing time does is enable us to learn new routines. ones that do not include the ones we lost." it's sad for me to see my daughter so hurt and my not being able to help her. i'm her mother and i'm supposed to be able to make things all better... but not this time... i can't... i can't even make it better for myself. there is and always will be a hole in my heart now but i will go on. i will just have to wait until we are all together again.
now for the good news... we have new family in our lives... jeremy and his two young girls, heather and ashley are now with sandra and so with us. what a great addition to our family. new habits... see sandra, you were right... and i love you...
~MoM~
Dueling Dragons
sizing each other up...
Red Shouldered Hawk waiting for us to feed him a squirrel
A frequent visitor to my bird feeders. A red shoulders hawk.
My small desert rose.
2 comments:
I too know the pain of losing a child. In October, it will be 7 years since our son, Christopher, died at school. We did not know he had anything wrong with him, he collapsed while participating in his gym class. He had HCM which is an enlarged heart. Saying goodbye, I can't do it. My faith tells me that I will see him again..and that is the only thing that has gotten me through this horrific time in my life. When Chris was just a few years younger, I had lost my baby brother and Chris came in and gave me a verse to share with my mom, and so I now cling to that verse that this wise young boy shared with us. Basically it tells us to think on things that are good, and right and happy and pure of thought and the God of peace will be with you.
So that is what I do now, I am thankful for happy memories of him..he was a one of a kind...he had a great personality and could make anyone laugh. A few verses down say for us to share what we have learned...and so I would like to tell you that if you believe that your precious Christian is in Heaven, you just need to believe that you too will see him again someday...and there is no pain or sadness in heaven and in heaven time is like a second to years here on earth, so he will remember you...I myself cannot handle going to the gravesite as it causes me to think about my son being buried in the ground, when I know he is present with God.
I hope you don't mind my sharing...I just totally understand your grief and his mom's grief...and there is nothing that takes it away...and we will never forgeth them.
i'm sorry you did't leave your first name as i would like to comment on your comment personally and annomously isn't personal but i understand.
i know this relpy comes after a very long time but i'm checking my blog just recently and am finding that some (a few at least) have seen my blog and commented... i guess i'm not good at this blog thing but promise to be better...
i'm at peace now finally after 5 years with the loss of my beautiful grandson Christian. i know that some day i will be with him again. i know it will be his smiling face to welcome me into Heaven. but not yet, i'm not ready to go yet... i still have so much to do.
you will be pleased to know that that wonderful man Jeremy and his two daughters made it official 3 years ago... they had a simple ceremony and my daughter looked amazing and of course as her mom i did the whole cry tissue thing... runny makeup and all...
i believe that we are put on the earth with a purpose and when we fulfil this purpose we are taken to heaven.
Christian fulfilled his purpose here on this earth. first he made my daughter into the most devoted mother i've ever known... strong and confident. and second he waited until his mom found love other than just with him... i think he worried that she would be alone...
Jeremy met Christian in the fall and he passed in january the following year, that following may my daughter and Jeremy became a family...
Jeremy was amazing with Christian, he treated him like any "normal" kid... included him in stuff that i noticed most people not doing...most people just let him sit there like he wasn't even there because his little legs didn't work... so where you put him he stayed if he was sitting, different story if he was on the floor... he actually was able to get into trouble rolling around and getting into the dvd's. lol... i was his favorite statement to his mom that said "see i can do this"...
i still miss him but i can look at his pictures (which i have over 10 cd's worth and smile. i remember when i took each and every one and what the story to the picture was...
some day Christian i will be with you, just not today. i know patients was not one of your virtues but sorry you will just have to wait for me...
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